Tuesday, January 29, 2008
big farewell. // 6:27 PM
Hao Xiang, happy sweet 16th Birthday.I had wanted to tell you so much stuffs, but it's okay, because I guess you wouldn't even bother.
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Times when you cared for me, I was in denial to love you.
And when I decided to love you back, everything changed and we couldn't even be friends.
After a drastic change from being a cheerful girl to an emokid, I begin to accept the fact that it wasn't love that you were feeling towards me, but just a confession of your heart.
In you, I'm just outstanding enough for you to notice me.
I begin to admit that I feel inferior as compared to her, and I had always wanted myself to believe and trust that if I were to let you have some space, you will come back to love me someday.
I wished for happiness and you.
However, as seconds sped passed, I begin to ponder: When will you still sms me?
And as minutes ticked passed, I begin to wonder: Have you forgotten about me?
And as hours gone passed, I started to get afraid. I asked myself: Do you still care?
And as days swam passed, I begin to realise that i meant nothing to you.
And as weeks passed, I found out that memories with you were just like a dream.
And as months flowed passed, I started to understand, that every single word you told me, were so untrue. Broken promises pierced through me. Things like you wanting to love me and take care of me forever, stuffs like what you said you would do for me, surprises that you said you would give me, and the words that you said you'd care, and that I'm somebody to you...they all begin to...not vanish...but reappear in my mind. It did not comfort me, but in fact, made me understand more, that they were just fairytales; something that will never come true.
Then, I felt that I'm torn between fantasies and the real world.
And as years go by, I may still crack a thousand jokes, I may still swear a hundred times, but I would have already cried a hundred thousand rivers and flood my brain, my mind, my thoughts, with phrases like how fucking hard it is to forget you; and that it's fucking impossible for you to love me anymore.
And now, gradually, you were gone.
Just like that.I'd wish to forget you, but I can't. Everything i do reminds me of you.
I'd love to hate you, but I won't. I can't bring myself to hate you.
But anyway, I thank you.
For igniting a spark in my heart, to set the fire in me burning -- even for a little while.
And as I bid farewell, I hope you'll be happy forever.
I wish you goodluck and success in your life.
I asked my crystal if I will ever see you again. The answer it given me was a NO...Even though I suppose we were no longer friends, I hope I can be there for you whenever you need someone.Perhaps your friend, Hope, will be there for you. Your best friends will be there for you.But please remember, I'm still here.I will be awaiting for the day you call for me...Labels: emo-ing again
